For the better

"Stop killing yourself."

His words still echoes in my mind. Specially that sentence, specially that.

If that is how you see it, then it is my pleasure to seek pain. The more it hurts the better. You might not know it but pain is the essence of my existence. It affirms that I am truly alive.

"Stop it, please. It torments me seeing you like this. I don't want you like this. I never wished for this to happen. I never wanted you to love me. Not you."

You never really understand, do you. I never wanted to share my sadness to you. I never really had a choice on these things. It just suddenly came. No, it gradually came and I gladly welcomed my death sentence.

Forget me. That is possibly the best you can do. Think that I have never existed in your life. Not that I really did but there we certainly subatomic particles of me in your mind. Maybe thats the reason, I'm too small that I managed to surpass all your defences. Oh yes, you can call me a virus but I would really appreciate it better if you'll treat me like a Prion. Because that’s what I'm really am, the culprit for “Mad Coward Disease”.

But seriously at the back of my mind I wanted the same. I desire to forget you. Erase every trace of existence that you left me. But memory is my best friend and my worst enemy. Memory rarely obeys my commands. It works in ways I cannot comprehend, just like magic. Of all things in this world it is the most irrational thing I believe in.

Rational? What is the meaning of that now? You know I lived for reasons. I just checked my amygdala recently and it told me that the reason is no other than you. Oh, what the heck! Now I know if I’m a Prion your probably the Bug in my system. I thought it was flawless but I was so damn wrong. You were the greatest code breaker I have ever seen. I worship you because you were able to decipher my personality.

Ten out of ten people tells me that I should get over you and that is including you. They always reason out that it’s “for the better”. I know I should listen to them because they are the geniuses and fellow when it comes to love and letting go but I refuse to do so. I am an amateur and probably the dumbest person when it comes to this but who is intelligent when it comes to love? You would probably point that finger on the one in the mirror or to nowhere at all (maybe there are some who would point up there, but that’s another story). The things is when it comes to this we can only make decisions and the answer if that is right or wrong is a very subjective one.

Above are great thoughts of soliloquy. I love him and he never knows it and I guess that’s for the better.